This is the time of day that I typically like to snack, zone-out, numb-out, graze and what-not. My daughter is down for her nap, I am coming down from being around several other personalities, and I don’t always allow myself to process in a healthy way. Writing this entry is opposite action.
What I have been working on these past couple of days, is letting go of what others may be thinking of me. (Chances are they aren’t really thinking of me, at least not in the depth that I imagine). I feel that I create judgements they must have about me, because they are old stories I have believed about myself. It is actually pretty exhausting to live life ‘reading between’ the (imaginary) lines.
Yesterday I spent time with a couple of girls who kind of walk around in the ‘cool kids club’. (This isn’t an actual club, fyi. This is perhaps my judgement. I can try to elaborate. I imagine that they were probably the mean(ish) girls, in high school. They have always been thin, tan and always had boyfriends. I know we all know these girls. I may have even at times been in with this crowd, but have never felt true comfort amongst them).
Anyway, getting back to yesterday. My head would normally be telling me mean things. That they don’t think I am pretty enough, thin enough, cool enough, rich enough, tan enough, etc… to be with them. Here is the thing. They may very well believe this, though doubtful. But who freakin’ cares? When I breath, detach from these thoughts and step back? I remember, oh yeah! I am rad. Nobody gets to dictate who I am today, except ME.
So today I found myself in a social setting. We were all young moms. In this particular group dynamic, I don’t always feel good or uplifted. I haven’t pin-pointed why, but here’s the thing. I am aware of these feelings. In fact, coming home from this gathering, I felt a little drained of energy, and a little emotionally hungover. Today, I am allowed to take a step back, and reevaluate these relationships. Today, I don’t have to paint red flags green. I don’t have to associate or be close with people who don’t feel ‘safe’. (More on feeling ‘safe’ with other women, another time.) And it isn’t that I am a victim, or that anyone is intentionally setting out to harm me. This is about me, and my comfort, and honoring it.
My real intention today is to love myself a little bit more than I did yesterday. I can commit to that. Writing this out is a simple act of self love. Going to the gym this morning, was a simple act of self-love. Dismissing negative thoughts and really striving to replace them with positive or at the very least, neutral thoughts, is practicing self-love. The solution is not related to the problem. The solution is fixing the inside, and trusting that the outside will mirror this gradually. How am I loving myself today? How do I feel about myself today? How do I like myself today?
xo
LovingMyselfToFit 