love

I Love the 80’s

Posted on by Aydens Mommy

80s-collage

Alright, so this isn’t really fitness-related, but I bought in and switched my theme. I am such a sucker for all things eighties! I can’t help myself. The little girl in me does a happy dance when her childhood is honored in any way, shape or form. And today, that form comes in a WordPress theme. 🙂

What is it about nostalgia? I spend a lot of my time working on staying present, but the feeling of nostalgia feels like home.

Also, side note: this week has been perfectly imperfect. I can feel myself striving, and perhaps even shifting. I have faith and hope. I am practicing my affirmations, and it feels GOOD. And holy shit, it feels good to feel good. I also did a 20 minute guided meditation yesterday, (with Deepak Chopra and OPRAH!) I plan on doing another one today.

And I guess switching my theme to the eighties theme does have to do with my fitness, because it has to do with honoring myself–honoring my inner child. Want to know a silly confession? I was afraid to switch it from the one I was already using (hexa). I love geometry (the ONLY math I like), and I love the honey-comb, hexagon shapes on that theme. I was afraid of the change (are you getting the symbolism here?) But I made the change anyway. And now I am happy about it, and I can always change back. This is my life and me, in a nut shell. Or my past me. It’s all about those baby steps. It’s all about doing (even the very) little things that make you happy.

And with that, I am off. Wishing you all a healthy and peaceful Friday!

xo

Connectivity & Inspiration

Posted on by Aydens Mommy

I thought about posting here over the past several days, but then I didn’t. But hey, here I am now.

I have been in the strangest space, and it is time to get back to basics. I am not sure what initially leads me astray, but somehow it happens. The challenge is in not beating myself up for it, but rather, to pick up and move forward with this journey.

Today I did a little morning prayer and meditation. I can feel that I am calmer afterward. I woke up with some anxiety, and the general feeling of “I don’t wanna”. Thank goodness that today I know that feeling doesn’t matter. I get to take action anyway. I get to sip my coffee, take deep breaths and plan for the day. I get to show up for my toddler, who doesn’t give a flying F if “I don’t wanna”.

>>BIG SIGH<<

I have been a little sad lately. I am experiencing challenges in my marriage, and my heart is a bit heavy. Not because anything is happening, but there is just sort of a general disconnect. I was gently reminded yesterday by a trusted mentor, that it is not my husband’s or marriages job to provide me with the feeling of connectivity, or constant inspiration. Relationships ebb and flow. I have to find that feeling within myself.

What am I doing in my life to feel connected and inspired?

That is a magic question, isn’t it. I will get back to you with some further insight.

xo

marriagequote

Scaling Back

Posted on by Aydens Mommy

Sometimes I get ahead of myself. I feel good, so I take all these impulsive actions, and then I feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes I wish I had the guts to swear off social media.

What I think I can commit to today, is scaling back. Scaling back on acting before thinking; speaking before thinking.

Scale back on living and breathing in my phone. Scale back on committing myself before checking with myself. Scale back on judging myself and others, before understanding. Scale back on spending time with people that I don’t find to be uplifting. Scale back on reacting before breathing. Scale back on reacting at all.

I feel a little overwhelmed today, because I have been given the gift of ‘free’ time. When this happens, my head floods with a million things I need to/want to/should get done. What happens is, I become stressed out, crawl in to a hole and do none of it. But today is a new experience, and I am giving myself permission to enjoy this day off. To tackle what I can, and forgive the rest. I think a to-do list might one in handy here.

I am going to take 5 minutes to breath, (*meditate), and get centered. I also am committing to loving myself a little bit more today than I did yesterday.

*The word ‘meditate’ often produces anxiety for me. I have a hard time being still, sometimes. I tend to run a little bit hyper-active and always have. I am learning to make peace with this part of who I am. In the past, I have told myself that I ‘don’t know how’ or ‘can’t’ meditate. I want to relearn what ‘meditation’ means, because I don’t have to achieve Buddhist Monk status, to do it correctly. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way. Today, I will pick a phrase, perhaps, ‘I am calm, I am centered, I am focused, I am love’, and repeat that in my head. That will be my meditation today.

xo

What You Think of Me is None of My Business

Posted on by Aydens Mommy

This is the time of day that I typically like to snack, zone-out, numb-out, graze and what-not. My daughter is down for her nap, I am coming down from being around several other personalities, and I don’t always allow myself to process in a healthy way. Writing this entry is opposite action.

What I have been working on these past couple of days, is letting go of what others may be thinking of me. (Chances are they aren’t really thinking of me, at least not in the depth that I imagine). I feel that I create judgements they must have about me, because they are old stories I have believed about myself. It is actually pretty exhausting to live life ‘reading between’ the (imaginary) lines.

Yesterday I spent time with a couple of girls who kind of walk around in the ‘cool kids club’. (This isn’t an actual club, fyi. This is perhaps my judgement. I can try to elaborate. I imagine that they were probably the mean(ish) girls, in high school. They have always been thin, tan and always had boyfriends. I know we all know these girls. I may have even at times been in with this crowd, but have never felt true comfort amongst them).

Anyway, getting back to yesterday. My head would normally be telling me mean things. That they don’t think I am pretty enough, thin enough, cool enough, rich enough, tan enough, etc… to be with them. Here is the thing. They may very well believe this, though doubtful. But who freakin’ cares? When I breath, detach from these thoughts and step back? I remember, oh yeah! I am rad. Nobody gets to dictate who I am today, except ME.

So today I found myself in a social setting. We were all young moms. In this particular group dynamic, I don’t always feel good or uplifted. I haven’t pin-pointed why, but here’s the thing. I am aware of these feelings. In fact, coming home from this gathering, I felt a little drained of energy, and a little emotionally hungover. Today, I am allowed to take a step back, and reevaluate these relationships. Today, I don’t have to paint red flags green. I don’t have to associate or be close with people who don’t feel ‘safe’. (More on feeling ‘safe’ with other women, another time.) And it isn’t that I am a victim, or that anyone is intentionally setting out to harm me. This is about me, and my comfort, and honoring it.

My real intention today is to love myself a little bit more than I did yesterday. I can commit to that. Writing this out is a simple act of self love. Going to the gym this morning, was a simple act of self-love. Dismissing negative thoughts and really striving to replace them with positive or at the very least, neutral thoughts, is practicing self-love. The solution is not related to the problem. The solution is fixing the inside, and trusting that the outside will mirror this gradually. How am I loving myself today? How do I feel about myself today? How do I like myself today?

xo

Rewrite It

Posted on by Aydens Mommy

I have been out of town, and I am glad to be home. I feel more determined than ever to be on this path. I have such a strong desire to learn to love and accept myself. I read this quote, (and I may be butchering it), but in essence it said, how you interact with your children is a direct result of how you feel about yourself. If that isn’t motivation, I don’t know what is.

I have a daughter, and she is young. When I look at her, I think about how she has a chance and a clean slate to learn how to really love herself. She has a chance at having true self-esteem from the start. I can’t help but believe that so many of my ‘issues’, and self-destructive behavior, stemmed from a lack of self-love. I was raised in a house where I was told ‘I love you’, regularly, but I wasn’t really taught to practice self-awareness and self-love. I am not blaming anyone here, but I have a chance to do it differently. I have the opportunity to rewrite the script.

My thoughts are powerful. Your thoughts are powerful. What we tell ourselves about who we are, what we do and eat and so on, dictates our reality. So today, my intentions are to be mindful. My intentions are to take it easy, (jet lag is a bitch). My intentions are to exercise my body, especially focusing on strength training. My intentions are to breath deep, and think before I speak–why is this one so hard sometimes!? My intentions are to be aware of negative thinking, and choose to replace those thoughts with affirming thoughts. My intentions are to practice visualizing everything I want for myself and my loved ones.

I am a magnet. I naturally attract all things healthy and positive. I naturally attract uplifting experiences and people.

xo

Don’t Call It A Comeback

Posted on by Aydens Mommy

This has been a long time coming. I can’t even call it a comeback, because honestly, I don’t think I have ever been here before. I spent more than half of my life destroying myself. I have spent minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years loathing my body, (whether it was a size 2 or a size 10). And in reality, I was loathing myself.

I did whatever it took to maintain an appearance of ‘fitness’, but it was usually fleeting, (even if after what seemed like a longish period of maintenance). I know now this was a direct result of not truly loving myself. In fact, those words, ‘loving myself’, used to make me feel uncomfortable. As if I wasn’t even worthy of my own love.

What I have come to believe is that I can love myself in to true fitness. If I focus all of my energy on caring for myself mentally and spiritually, I intuitively (think)–believe that my outer appearance will mirror this. That is the hope, anyway.

So this is a journey of a woman once plagued with self-hatred, bulimia, drug and alcohol addiction, compulsive over and under eating, turning it all over to the care of something greater than herself; the care of a higher love.

Today I woke up and thought, I will practice loving myself today. In actuality, I am not even sure what that looks like entirely. I also have never made it very far without focusing on the size of my pants or the numbers on the scale. And while, YES, this will hopefully be a side affect of this project, that just can’t be the main focus. So today, I will return the scale that I borrowed from a friend. I will practice saying nice things to myself in the mirror. I will pause before I eat, to check in with myself. I will exercise my body. I will practice speaking well of others. I will  embrace my humanness.

xo